GI Joe: ARAH Novelization
by WildWeaselCOBRA
Summary: Novelization of the classic GI Joe comics from the 80's.
1. OPERATION: Lady Doomsday (Part 1)

_The casual onlooker might not suspect anything to be beneath the unassuming motor pool of the Chaplain's Assistant School at Fort Wadsworth. However, take the hydraulic lift down and you'll find America's elite counter-terrorist strike force quartered within top-secret, highly armored, state-of-the-art underground bunkers. This team has the most skilled, fearsome members the US military has to offer, code named: G.I. Joe.  
><em>

* * *

><p>On Monday at 0830 hours the number 840 Amtrak hustled along its way from New York City to Washington DC through some countryside.<p>

"I don't like it!" said the conductor, "Soldiers and secret service men crawling all over my train, just to protect one special passenger. So who is she anyway?"

"Don't you read the papers? Dr. Adele Burkhart is the nation's top nuclear physicists," One of the aforementioned soldiers, a lieutenant, scoffed, "She's one of the brains behind the Doomsday Project."

"Yeah, I've heard of her!" the conductor tugged at his scarf, "She claims she didn't know it was a Doomsday Project, and now she's supposed to testify in front of some kind of congressional committee! No wonder your people are so nervous!"

Secret service members swept through the different cars of the train. One made their intentions clear: "Check every inch of every car. Twice! Half the wackos in the country are out to waste that lady in the press car."

One of them peered through a doorway, scanning the empty room, "Yeah, and the other half want to make her president!" They had finished their sweep of the train. He glanced towards the press car, "Listen! She's already begun the press conference…"

"…In other words, I was deliberately misled as to the true nature of the project!" Dr. Adele Burkhart was a stern woman in her fifties. She kept her hair neat and jewelry conservative. She sported basic professional wear. Her hair was clearly blonde, and only showing the earliest signs of aging. She kept her hands clasped on a desk in the press car, focused firmly on the array of microphones, journalists, and cameras in front of her.

She continued, "The Doomsday Project has a single goal: the development of a retaliatory weapons system capable of annihilating all life on this planet. It is unthinkable that a person of conscience could- Wait!" Dr. Burkhart halted at the sound of rattling tin. It was coming from above the train. "What's that sound?"

At 0835 hours, several men with machine guns had begun an aerial assault on the Amtrak. Odd computer-aided hang gliders aided their descent onto the train. They recklessly loosed their weapons on the train. All of them sported the same blue uniform with a red handkerchief to mask their faces. Their uniform was the only organized thing about them, and they carried an air of chaos in their step and their aim.

Three of the journalists took action. A dark-haired woman with glasses and two men simultaneously pressed buttons on their cameras. They turned the dial on the lens, and it was clear that the cameras were in fact weapons as well.

"Strike now, brothers!" shouted the woman with glasses over the hail of gunfire from outside, "Take Burkhart alive!"

"Those reporters- they've got guns disguised as cameras!" shouted one secret service members, "Get down, Dr. Burkhart! We'll handle this."

Dr. Burkhart, shocked, took cover behind the desk. Another secret service member shouted, "Too many civilians! Can't get a clear shot!"

The woman with glasses downed one secret service member before charging through the mass of panicking journalists.

"Force them back, Gregor," said one of her conspirators, "So the Baroness can grab the doctor!"

The Baroness dashed around the desk and lifted Dr. Burkhart up by her hair, "Alright, I've got your precious Dr. Burkhart now! Back off, or I'll turn her face into a fine red mist!"

"Do as she says!" shouted Dr. Burkhart, "It's obvious they only want me! I'll not have any more innocent blood shed on my account!"

"Shut up! You're making my trigger finger itch!" The conspirators rushed towards the restrooms, followed closely by secret service members. "Gregor, hold these pigs off while the good doctor and I powder our noses!"

"As you command, Baroness!" said Gregor. He prepared his suicidal last stand as the Baroness locked the ladies' room door.

She fastened a strange canister onto Dr. Burkhart's back. "This is hopeless," said Dr. Burkhart, "You'll never get off this train!"

"Hold still," said the Baroness, pulling the doctor over to the window. "If these straps aren't tight, you'll dislocate your shoulders when I activate the gas canister!" The Baroness grabbed hold of Dr. Burkhart, and threw herself out of the window with her, pressing a small button on the canister.

The canister released a large, bright orange weather balloon. It drew Dr. Burkhart up into the air a hundred feet above the train, but the Baroness showed no difficulty holding on. "I hope you're not afraid of heights, Dr. Burkhart. This particular model doesn't come equipped with air sickness bags."

The Baroness looked around, and spotted the cable, "That cable will take us to my friends." She attached it to the canister's harness, and the duo was winched upwards, towards a blue helicopter.

"You're right on schedule, Baroness!" Said one of its occupants admiringly.

"Of course! Radio the airfield, we rendezvous with the supersonic transport in ten minutes!"

* * *

><p>By 1100 hours, the Pentagon was abuzz with activity. General Austin and a team of analysts were reviewing footage from the train's cameras when young General Flagg arrived, "How bad is it, General Austin?"<p>

"Bad?" General Austin turned to face General Flagg, "Son, the fan didn't just get hit this time, it got smothered! Burkhart has more dangerous secrets rattling around in her pretty little head than the Russians have tanks!"

"Those secrets are useless without the necessary back-up technology!"

"That's the problem, Flagg," General Austin turned to address his sergeant, "Roll that footage of the press car powder room, the stuff we didn't release to the press."

"Yes, sir," said the sergeant.

The footage showed the Baroness drawing a message in fine cursive on the bathroom mirrors before her dramatic departure: _try to rescue her and she dies! Cobra_

"Burkhart is in the hands of Cobra Command," said General Austin.

"They have the technology and the will to use it!" General Flagg was all too familiar with Cobra's activities, "Their threat doesn't make any sense, sir. We'd almost be better off, national security-wise, if we attempt a rescue, bungle it, and Cobra, uh, terminates her."

"Don't believe it, General Flagg. We're in a double bind. We can't let Cobra keep her long enough to use her, and we can't let her die because the whole world knows that we consider her an embarrassment. Our only possible course of action is a successful rescue!"

The sergeant pulled up one of the few bits of footage collected from Cobra that showed its military.

General Austin continued, "It won't be easy. Cobra has legions, well trained and equipped with all the latest hardware. A direct frontal assault could turn into a bloodbath for our boys."

General Flagg nodded, "General Austin, we have no alternative. We have to call in special counter-terrorist group delta, code name: G.I. Joe!"

"You're a good officer Flagg, and you'll make a good politician someday. You let an old brass-hat gab his head off when you've had all the shots covered from the beginning." He turned to face his sergeant again, "Sergeant! Let's see those G. I. Joe dossiers that General Flagg had you compile this morning!"

"I've got the basic read-out standing by on the display board, sir," she said, "Complete service records can be available on a printout within ten seconds."

"Who's going to honcho this mission in the field?" asked General Austin.

"Colonel Clayton M. Abernathy," said General Flagg, "Code name: Hawk! He's the best man we have."

Hawk's readout read as follows: _Hawk comes from a well-established family. He's a West Point graduate, top of class and has seen action in a number of trouble spots. Graduated Advanced Infantry Training, Covert Ops School. Served on Cadre, North Atlantic Range command and USA ENG COMETA Missile and Radio Training. Qualified Expert M-16, M-1911A1 autopistol._

"Ah, yes. But how lucky is he?"

* * *

><p>"Just my luck to catch a driver with a lead foot!" It was 1231 hours at Fort Wadsworth. The road was nowhere near this ragged the last time Hawk had come here, "Slow down, Clutch. This isn't Asbury Park and we're not on thunder road!"<p>

Clutch grimaced, caught between a Hawk and a hard place, "With all due respect to your rank, Colonel Abernathy, sir, I've got orders from General Flagg to deliver your class-A colonelship to G.I. Joe command center, ASAP!"

"Young general Flagg hasn't worn out his first set of khakis yet!"

They bounced through the entrance of the motor pool at forty. A wandering chaplain's assistant glanced at the speed limit sign that read 'five.'

"The orders were counter-signed by General Austin!" said Clutch.

"Old 'Iron Butt' Austin?" asked Hawk, "Step on it, Clutch, or we'll both be facing a court martial!"

Clutch came to a perfect stop in a marked rectangle in the motor pool's garage, easy to find due to the garage's general emptiness.

"Hi Hawk!" said one of the motor pool's residents, an easy-going fellow with a long blonde beard, "Grand Slam and Zap were just saying it's about time you threw a surprise inspection!"

"Negative, Rock 'N Roll!" said Hawk, "We've been called together for another mission."

"Steeler, is everyone else 'downstairs?' " asked Clutch.

"Affirmative," said Steeler, "According to the schedule, alpha team should be in the middle of individual weapons training. I'll send you straight down to join them at the staging level."

Steeler activated a switch, and the rectangle of floor began to descend down.

"Grand Slam, we must be the only motor pool in the world with a hydraulic lift that goes down," said Zap.

Grand Slam looked at the jeep as it disappeared beneath the floor. "As well as the only one with five floors of armored basement under it."

The lift came to a halt. Clutch announced their destination, "Last stop: tanks, laser cannons, and G.I. Joe combat training center!"

Two men practiced in a weapons range with familiar arms. A woman with her red-hair in a neat ponytail practiced as well, but held a crossbow. Two others practiced hand to hand not too far away, and a sixth was cleaning his weapon, inspecting it thoroughly. A seventh man sat in a large fishbowl of water, breathing through a tube and holding his balance in the water.

"At ease!" shouted Hawk, addressing them all, "All team members will report for briefing in the briefing room in five minutes!"

The woman stepped down from the range, "Looks like we've got another hot mission, Breaker."

Breaker hurriedly dried off as he stepped out of the fishbowl, "They're all hot missions, Scarlett! Bet it's the Burkhart kidnapping!"

"They're going to risk our butts to rescue a woman who's practically a traitor," said Stalker, team leader, "How's that sit with you, Snake Eyes?"

Snake Eyes wore all black, and a mask concealed his face and eyes completely. He acknowledged Stalker.

"Can I quote you on that?" asked Stalker.


	2. OPERATION: Lady Doomsday (Part 2)

_The end of this chapter is a bit grim (Death), so skip the last section if you need to._

* * *

><p>The briefing started at 1241 hours, in one of the most secure rooms of the underground bunkers.<p>

"Cobra has Dr. Burkhart stashed on an island in the Caribbean," said Hawk. "We ran a Blackbird mission over it and shot this high resolution hologram." The hologram showed a small, rocky island. A large mountain peak, a village, a fort, and an airfield were visible, cutting out of the island's vegetation. "We're almost certain they're holding Burkhart in this old Spanish fort."

"Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, Hawk," said Stalker.

"There's a pulse Doppler radar on this mountain that can spot a hang glider clear to the horizon. Surface-to-air missile sites are all over the place. Cobra is prepared for anything. Getting in will be very hairy."

"Strength of garrison?" asked Scarlett.

"A full battalion- 1200 men. The perimeter is heavy with concertina wire, mines, tank traps and machine gun bunkers. Presence of high voltage cables means they've got a heavy generator, which could mean that the fencing is electrified."

"Sorry I asked."

"Grunt, Stalker and Short-Fuse! You will take out the airfield, tower and hangar, leaving one small aircraft intact. Flash and Breaker will take care of the radar. Mission supply will fix you up with some special 'black boxes.' Scarlett and Snake-Eyes will knock out the generator in the fort. Your objective is to clear the way for the secondary team that will actually storm the fort.

"This is the only known photo of Cobra Commander." Hawk switched on a display screen. Cobra Commander was dressed all in blue, draped in customary ornamental military garb. His head was concealed by a long blue hood, which displayed the stark red symbol of Cobra on the forehead.

"This is the Baroness." The baroness had long, dark hair, and sported round glasses. She wore a much simpler blue suit. "Don't ever turn your back on her, unless she's dead."

"Even then, I'd search her for grenades," said Stalker.

"We all know this woman," Hawk changed the display to show Dr. Adele Burkhart. "The media painted a pretty black picture of her, but inflammatory headlines help sell newspapers, right?"

"Hawk," said Short-Fuse, peeved, "Are you trying to tell me she ain't no traitor?"

"Calm down, Short-Fuse! We each took an oath to defend the constitution of the United States. That constitution guarantees the right of every citizen to disagree with the government."

Snake-Eyes tapped Scarlett on the shoulder, and signed a message. She translated, "Snake-Eyes is signally me that he wants to know: 'How can the rights of an individual compare to the safety of the entire world? Wouldn't a B-52 bombing raid solve this problem with less risk?"

"No!" Hawk exclaimed, "We're the good guys, remember? The island has a civilian population. Besides, it's not our job to judge Dr. Burkhart."

"What is our job?" asked Short-Fuse.

"We're soldiers. Our job is to follow orders. To do the impossible, and make it look easy."*

* * *

><p>"I trust you are uncomfortable, Dr. Burkhart?" Cobra Commander addressed his prisoner at 1920 hours in his island lair**, "I admit the straps are excruciatingly tight. But they will prevent you from injuring yourself when we begin the 'information extraction' procedure. You are familiar with the rather disagreeable side effects of scapalomine and other so-called truth serums?"<p>

"You'll never get a chance to use your filthy drugs on me," said Dr. Burkhart. "This whole island is going to be bombed off the map at any moment!"

"Really, Dr. Burkhart, who would do such a thing?"

Dr. Burkhart was handcuffed and restrained by metal locks to a chair in the middle of a room. The room's walls were covered with machinery and equipment, and it was filled with guards. The large symbol of cobra was plastered onto the back wall. Cobra Commander and the Baroness observed their prisoner.

"Who do you think?" asked Dr. Burkhart, aghast. "A government that would sponsor something as reprehensible as the doomsday project isn't going to think twice about vaporizing a whole island to preserve its precious secrets!"

"Doctor, this situation is far more complex than you believe. That which seems mindless is often precisely choreographed. Don't you agree, Baroness?"

Baroness was garbed in a more formal, Cobra-blue military uniform, "It's always best to let your opponents think they know what you're up to."

"Cobra Commander!" exclaimed a lackey of the Commander. He had on a strange technical headset. He saluted the commander, left fist over his chest and right hand flat in the air, "Radar has spotted a submarine on the surface, 20 miles north of the island! It was there just long enough to launch a small boat and landing party!"

"Excellent!" exclaimed Cobra Commander, "Dispatch two heavy weapons platoons to cover the north beach, and on their way, they can stop at the fishing village to carry out the 'contingency plan.' My dear Dr. Burkhart, you will soon see the distinct advantages of having no scruples whatsoever!"

* * *

><p>The Joes approached the island by the north coast, at 2015 ours.<p>

"Do you see anything through those image intensifiers, Grunt?" asked Scarlett.

"Yeah! I see another pair of intensifiers starin' straight back at me," said Grunt. His binoculars were much boxier and bulkier than the ones you'd purchase at Walmart. "Looks like Cobra is havin' a heavy hardware party on the beach, and we're the guests!"

The Joe's were all crammed onto the boat in full uniform and gear. Breaker was chewing on bubble gum, and made a bubble precariously close to Scarlett's long red ponytail, luckily without her noticing.

"Time for Stalker to put a rocket in his pocket and crash their bash!" said Short-Fuse, calm and relaxed.

"Ain't no lie, I love to fly!" said Stalker.

"Hurry up and strap on that Jump, Jet Mobile Propulsion Unit!" said Flash.

The Cobras on the beach were observing the Joes. They were in a fortified position, all artillery aimed at the incoming Joes.

"Another 50 yards and they'll be in range!" stated one Cobra, "Wait! Take cover! They've launched some sort of rocket at us!"

Stalker zoomed in with the Jump, dropping a grenade straight over their fortifications, "Say hey! Thought I'd drop by and liven up your party with some fireworks."

The large explosion alerted the Joes in the boat to open fire on the beach.

"Stalker's got them on the run!" exclaimed Grunt, "Gun that outboard! We're goin' in!"

Stalker flew after the fleeing flunkies of Cobra, who began to retreat. He pulled out his laser blaster and took aimed shots at them. "Don't leave!" he shouted, "You'll miss my grand finale. I whistle 'Stars and stripes forever,' while using this laser blaster to strafe the beach in time to the kettle drum parts!"

The Joes arrived on the now empty beach, and Stalker descended to the ground to greet them, "Looks like the party's over, gang! The hosts took their goodies and went home!"

"They'll be back, in force!" shouted Short-Fuse.

"Head for the tree line!" exclaimed Flash, "We've got to get into the jungle and under cover."

The Joes pulled their boat ashore and collected the rest of the gear. They trekked about a half-mile into the forest, to be safe from any prying eyes.

"There was nothin' in Hawk's plans 'bout bein' found out so early!" said Stalker. "Does that change anything, Flash?"

"Negative, Stalker!" Flash replied, pulling out his map of the island, "We proceed to our individual targets as planned."

"Hawk wasn't kidding!" exclaimed Short-Fuse, "This mission is so hairy it's got dandruff!"

* * *

><p>The few surviving troops entered Cobra Commander's main hall, where Dr. Burkhart was being kept.<p>

"Your troops turned tail and ran, Commander!" said the Baroness sternly, "The American intruder team escaped without a scratch."

"We were out-gunned, sir!" said one of the lackeys, "They had some sort of portable air support! We were completely surprised."

"Not as surprised as I," said Cobra Commander, "I hadn't expected any of you to survive! This G.I. Joe team is less efficient than I thought!"

"They're far too efficient for my taste!" said the Baroness. She gestured angrily towards Dr. Burkhart, "I say we kill the hostage now and send out fire teams to sweep the whole island!"

"No, my good Baroness." Cobra Commander left the room and ascended stairs to an observation pavilion, "That's exactly what they want us to do. This initial landing is a feint to draw my troops away from the force, so that they can set up for a heavy assault which will land on a closer beach."

Baroness followed Cobra Commander to the pavilion. Cobra Commander gestured to the courtyard, where the bulk of his forces stood prepared within the walls of the fortress. He continued, "We have Dr. Burkhart. Therefore, they must come to us, and when they arrive, they will find the fort at full strength!"

* * *

><p>At 2045 hours, Breaker and Flash arrived at Cobra's radar site. It peaked out of the rest of the forest, on a small cliff. The main building was surrounded with electrical fencing, but this was of no concern to the two Joes.<p>

"Breaker, what makes our mission-planning honchos," Flash dug with his spade, "So sure that this is the spot," Flash dug again, "Where the underground electrical cable runs."

"Simple, Flash," Breaker replied, digging alongside Flash, "This is an unmanned radar site. The power source and radar screens must be in the fort. Draw a straight line between radar and fort and you've got-" Breaker finished digging, and examined what he had hit, "Bad news. That's no cable! That's quarter-inch steel pipe!"

"Breaker, you may be a whiz with communication equipment, but otherwise you're a real dummy. The cable's inside the pipe."

"What do we do now? We're a thousand miles from the nearest acetylene torch! I don't even have my P-38, my G.I. can opener, with me!"

"Stand back, Breaker." Flash lowered himself to a knee, and aimed his rifle at the pipe. He put his visor down. "This will be real touchy. I can't be off by a hair. But anything a torch can do, my laser rifle can do better!" Flash shot the rifle, melting the pipe off but leaving the cables within completely intact.

"Flash, you have more nerve than brains! If you had severed that live cable, the whole mission would have been blown!"

"But I didn't," Flash raised his visor to examine the cable, "So tell me how these gadgets of yours work!"

Breaker popped some bubble gum, and set up his equipment to tap into the line, "We tap into this line and record a tape loop of their 'All Clear' signal. And then we play it back continuously. The 7th fleet could sail in and the Cobra radar scopes would show nothing but empty sea."

"Like I said, you're a whiz."

* * *

><p>At 2050 hours, Scarlett launched a grappling hook to the parapets of the hook. It landed perfectly on the top, and she gave the line a tug to ensure it was secure. She and Snake Eyes began to scale the fort. At the second window they passed, they spotted the main room, and Dr. Adele Burkhart.<p>

"There she is, Snake Eyes," whispered Scarlett, "That's Dr. Burkhart!"

Snake Eyes looked at Scarlett.

"You might not do much talking," she continued, "But I know what you're thinking. One well-placed shot and we could scrub this mission and be home free. But that's the easy way," the duo continued to climb the fortress to the top, "And if this job was supposed to be easy, G.I. Joe wouldn't have gotten it!"

At 2055 hours, some of the Joes crept through the woods towards the airfield.

"This is gonna be like shootin' ducks in a pond, Grunt," said Short-Fuse.

"I don't like it," replied Grunt, "It's too easy. What do you think, Stalker?"

"It stinks," said Stalker, "But no worse than the rest of this lousy mission."

* * *

><p>At 2058 hours in the pentagon, the generals continued to discuss the ongoing mission. They were examining the map of the island, and the files of six Joes, with the names 'Hawk – Clayton M. Abernathy,' 'Grand Slam – James Barney,' 'Rock 'N Roll – Craig R. McConnel,' 'Zap – Rafael J. Melendez,' 'Steeler – Ralph W. Pulaski,' and 'Clutch – Lance Steinberg' written on them.<p>

"This is the Hydrofoil LCT, Landing Craft Tank," said General Flagg, "That will land force two, the heavy assault team, on Cobra's island."

"There are only six men in that team," said General Austin, "Do you expect them to spearhead straight through the front door of the fort?"

"Yes, sir. Opposition should be minimal. The airfield diversion will bleed troops to the other end of the island."

"And if the diversion fails?"

"Our men are on their own, all the way."

* * *

><p>At 2059 hours, 50 miles south of the island, aboard the Hydrofoil, Hawk observed through binoculars the location of Cobra's island.<p>

"Hawk," asked the captain, "We're too far away to see anything. Why bother lookin'?"

"There's a fireworks display scheduled for that airstrip at 2100 hours!" he exclaimed, "And that's just about-"

* * *

><p>At 2100, the Joes near the fortress made their move. Short Fuse readied his mortar.<p>

Stalker glanced at his watch. "NOW!" he shouted.

"Drop it on 'em, Short Fuse!" exclaimed Grunt.

Short Fuse sent it off. It went high into the sky before landing, exploding three aircraft.

Grunt charged onto the airfield, "Stalker, lay down some cover fire as we make tracks!"

"You got it, Grunt!" Stalker said.

They cut through the airfield quickly, easily mowing down the enemy aircraft.

"I still think this was too easy!" said Short Fuse, running towards the other Joes once the path was clear, "They didn't even put up a fight!"

"I ain't gonna complain about it!" said Stalker.

But in the burning wreckage, Cobra's only casualties were stuffed scarecrows, made to look like the real deal from afar. At 2101 hours, observers of Cobra's forces carefully emerged from an underground bunker. They reported in what had happened, "Airstrip bunker team reporting! Everything is going according to plan! The intruders destroyed the dummy planes by mortar attack! One light aircraft left intact. Over."

* * *

><p>At 2110 hours, Snake Eyes and Scarlett crept out of the shadows of the fort's roof. They knocked out the guard by the artillery, and descended down the stairs into the fort. In the hallway at the end, they silently dispatched another lackey. They continued to creep along, until Snake Eyes signaled for Scarlett to see inside one of the rooms, where two lackeys were manning computer equipment.<p>

"Cobra Commander wants a constant radar check on the southern sea approaches," one said.

"Nothing out there for 150 miles, sir," the other replied.

Scarlett and Snake Eyes silently made it past the doorway without the cobras noticing.

* * *

><p>At 2120 hours, near the fishing village, some of the Joes met up from their respective missions.<p>

"Halt!" shouted Breaker, "Who goes there?"

"Stalker, Grunt, and Short Fuse," replied Short Fuse, "The airstrip's been neutralized."

"Ditto the radar!" said Flash.

"We still have an ambush to set up," said Stalker, "Let's go!"

* * *

><p>At 2130 hours inside the fort, the Baroness petitioned Cobra Commander again to reason with her, "Commander, they've already destroyed the airstrip! And yet, you still refuse to kill the hostage! If you have a master plan, I demand to be informed of it!"<p>

"Patience, Baroness," the Commander said.

"But Cobra's credibility is worthless unless we carry out our threat to kill her now!"

"Go ahead and get it over with!" exclaimed Dr. Burkhart, "I'm not going to help you anyway!"

"All in good time, Dr. Burkhart," said Cobra Commander, "One must defer pleasures if one wishes to savor them-"

One of his lackeys rushed in, "Commander! The G.I. Joe heavy assault team has landed!"

"Splendid!"

* * *

><p>On the beach, a motorcycle, a tank, and a jeep rolled out of the Hydrofoil. Rock 'N Roll was on the motorcycle, Clutch and Grand Slam were on the jeep, and the rest rode with Hawk on the tank.<p>

"Rock 'n Roll!" exclaimed Hawk, referring to the Joe, not the music, "Take the right wing! Clutch and Grand Slam, take the left!"

"We hear you, Hawk!" Clutch shouted.

"Steeler! You, Zap, and I are rollin' right up the middle!" The tank met a fence, which was easily rolled over. They continued to burst through Cobra's defenses.

"Fall back!" shouted one cobra, as they fled, "Nothing can stop them!"

One right on his heels replied, "They're smashing through the wire and breaking inside the perimeter!"

Rock 'N Roll jumped over the fence, and then straight over a foxhole the cobras had built. He engaged forces in the back with a machine gun attached to and operated via his motorcycle, "Get back, Cobra! Rock 'N Roll is here to stay!"

Meanwhile, Clutch was swerving the jeep all over the beach, steering clear of all shots Cobra made in his direction. Grand Slam asked, "Hey, Clutch! How is it that you always manage to swerve out of the path of the artillery shells?"

"I'd like to say it's skill and determination, Grand Slam," he replied, "But it's mostly stark fear and blind luck!"

* * *

><p>At 2140 hours inside the Spanish fort Cobra was using, Snake Eyes and Scarlett found the generator room. They tossed in two grenades for good measure, causing a great deal of technical difficulties in the explosion.<p>

From the main room, Cobra Commander observed the wreckage on a screen, "Their penetration team has just blown the main generators! Baroness, I believe it's time to fill you in on my game-plan."

"Do you plan to kill Dr. Burkhart now?" the Baroness asked in an almost pleading tone.

"No! 'Dr. Burkhart' is due at the airfield! Have a staff car and escort stand by to transport her."

* * *

><p>At 2155 hours, an expensive car and two motorcycles sped out of the fort, Dr. Burkhart seated in the back.<p>

* * *

><p>The Joes arrived in the fishing village at 2200 hours to a grim sight.<p>

"I-I don't believe it!" said Grunt in despair, "Cobra wiped out the entire village!"

Bodies sat slumped on porches, in doorways, and face-down on the ground. If not for the bullet wounds, they could have been mistaken for softly sleeping civilians.

"Women and kids," said Flash, "Everybody."

"They did it to keep them from helping us," said Short Fuse.

"It's our fault. If we hadn't come here-"

"Calm down, Flash!" said Breaker, "It's not our fault. But we should do the decent thing and bury them-"

"Wrong, Breaker!" said Stalker, "We're not buryin' anyone. No matter how innocent they were. We got an ambush to set! If we take time out to clean up this mess, we might as well call Cobra right now and tell 'em we're bugging out!"

* * *

><p><em>*Larry Hama originally wanted this line to read as 'To do the unthinkable, and then be forgotten.' The editorial process changed this. It is up to the reader which interpretation to take.<em>

_**Reads as 'Cobra Island' in the comic, but the official Cobra Island will not be made until much later._


	3. OPERATION: Lady Doomsday (Part 3)

The Joes set up their ambush at 2230, along the road to the fort. A line of Cobra tanks and troops made its way down.

Steeler called it in over the radio, "Grand Slam, I've spotted three Cobra tanks in column formation!"

"I've got you covered, Steeler!" replied Grand Slam. "You can have dibs on the first two."

Steeler sped through the woods in his tank to intercept the line, easily taking out two of the tanks. "Thanks pal!" he said. "Be careful! We've got infantry runnin' through the bush here."

"No sweat!" replied Grand Slam, loading into the third tank with his artillery, "I'll clean up the last tank while Rock 'N Roll gets his act in gear!"

Rock 'N Roll sped up the road on his motorcycle, "I'll play 'em a solo," he said. "A blast from the past called wipe out!" He mowed down the line of infantry.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Dr. Burkhart's escort steamed through the fishing village at 2230 hours.<p>

"Our orders are to deliver the woman to the airfield!" said the lead motorcyclist. "We shall not fail!"

But suddenly, unexpectedly the car hit a mine. Stalker zipped in towards the wreckage to grab Dr. Burkhart as the cobras staggered out of the vehicle. "Hang loose, Dr. Burkhart!" he shouted, lifting Dr. Burkhart into the air with his jetpack, "I'll get you out of there in a second! We figured Cobra would try to get you off the island via the airfield, if we made it hot enough for them!"

"What you didn't figure on, pig," said Dr. Burkhart, "Was the fact that you were doomed from the beginning!" Dr. Burkhart pulled back her bangs, revealing her blond hair to be a wig. Long dark hair tumbled onto her shoulders.

"The Baroness!" exclaimed Stalker.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile at the fort, at 2250 hours, Dr. Burkhart was still secured in the same room.<p>

"Everything is running according to plan, Dr. Burkhart," said Cobra Commander. "I know that I wouldn't have the time to extract the Doomsday plan from you, unless I had neutralized the one force that had any chance of effecting a rescue. So I used you to lure the G.I. Joe team into a trap! I shall now don my special combat helmet!

"When the entire team is inside this castle, I shall activate the five minute timer on my wrist that will detonate five tons of high explosives which is buried under the fort! Of course, we shall be well away in my helicopter by that time." He gestured towards the helicopter in the middle of the room.

Meanwhile, Steeler's tank shot down the front doors of the fort. "The main gate is down!" he said. "Let's roll! The fort is ours!"

Two cobras popped out from a hidden pit behind them and shot a rocket launcher at the tank, starting a fire in the back.

"Rocket launcher at six-o-clock!" shouted Steeler, "Get 'im, Zap!"

Zap fired back at them with a launcher of his own, incinerating them, "Consider him scratched, Steeler!"

"Ditch the tank!" said Hawk. "We'll hitch a ride with Clutch and Grand Slam!"

Clutch sped towards them and swerved around the tank for them to jump on, before heading through the gates.

"Hustle it!" said Hawk. "Things must be getting hot for Scarlett and Snake Eyes by now!"

* * *

><p>Scarlett looked at the time.<p>

"Hawk should've been here by now!" said Scarlett. They burst into the main room, Snake Eyes letting loose with his M16 and Scarlett slicing throats with her throwing stars. "We can't wait any longer, Snake Eyes! We'll have to go after the Cobra Commander without support!"

They spotted Cobra Commander, with a gun to Dr. Burkhart's head. He was inching towards the helicopter, a firm grip on Burkhart's shoulder.

"Dr. Burkhart!" Scarlett stammered. "B-But we saw her drive out the rear gate to the airfield!"

"Appearances can be deceiving, my lady!" said Cobra Commander. He had on a metal helmet with a mirrored visor. "Please, drop your weapons, or I shall be forced to terminate the life functions of the good doctor here."

"You haven't got a chance, Commander! The entire G. I. Joe team is right behind us!"

"I'm sure they are. But I sincerely doubt that even your illustrious team can penetrate 12 inches of case-hardened steel in time to be of any use!" A metal sheet above the doorway slid down, cutting off the only exit.

"That door is sliding down, cutting us off from the others!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the other Joes were circled around the jeep, fighting off the remainder of Cobra Commander's forces. Stalker descended down to the jeep to aid them.<p>

"Stalker!" shouted Zap, "What happened to the ambush?"

"Dr. Burkhart pulled a no-show!" said Stalker. "We got the Baroness instead! But where's Scarlett and Snake Eyes?"

Rock 'N Roll hustled from the main fort to address Hawk, "Hawk, I cased the whole fort. There's no sign of Burkhart, Scarlett or Snake Eyes. But there's a locked steel door up there that satchel charges won't scratch!"

* * *

><p>In the meantime, Cobra Commander continued his grandstanding, "Indeed! I assure you that we won't be disturbed! Now that you've dropped your weapons, you will kindly step to the far wall. The good doctor shall board our aircraft and depart." Cobra Commander moved his hand towards his wrist, "This activator will unlock the steel door in five minutes."<p>

"No," shouted Dr. Burkhart, "It's a trap! That's no door timer!"

"Stop it you fool. You'll ruin everything!"

Dr. Burkhart tacked the commander before he could activate the explosives, "They could have saved themselves if not for me! I won't let you kill th-"

Cobra Commander shot Dr. Burkhart in the arm. She cried out in pain.

"H-He shot Dr. Burkhart," said Scarlett, "But he won't get away with it!" She threw one of her throwing stars at the Commander, breaking the device on his wrist.

Cobra Commander moaned in pain, "My wrist!" The Baroness scurried past him, towards the aircraft.*

Just then, the steel door exploded. The Joe team rushed in.

"Man, I don't care what Grand Slam says," said Rock 'N Roll. "I ain't hauling that laser cannon back down those stairs after this."

"Cool it, Rock 'N Roll!" said Flash, "Looks like we're too late!"

"Scarlett, Snake Eyes!" shouted Hawk, "You okay?"

The Joe team crowded around Dr. Burkhart. Scarlett was applying pressure to her wound, "Yes, and so is Burkhart! Her arm's in pretty bad shape, but it'll heal!"

"Y-You could've left me to die," said Dr. Burkhart, "But you risked your own lives to save mine. I had presumed so many horrible things about you, and the army! I-I guess I forgot that no one has a monopoly on scruples. Thank you. All of you."

Dr. Burkhart had a sudden realization, "Oh my god! The timer! This whole fort is going up in less than five minutes!"

"Don't worry!" said Breaker, "We'll have old Cobra himself defuse it." He looked around. Cobra Commander was nowhere to be found, "Hey! Where is he? I put him next to the Baroness just a second ago!" He looked at the floor. "There! Blood from his wounded hand! That floor panel must open up on a hidden passage!"

"Time's running out!" said Hawk. "We'll never get down the stairs, and out the gate in time! Quick, everybody into the chopper! Zap, you're driving!"

They clambered on. Zap lifted the helicopter out of the opening in the ceiling and into the air.

"Hawk," said Zap, "I haven't pushed a joy stick on a chopper in two years!"

"Relax!" said Hawk, "It's like riding a bike, you never forget!"

"Oh, yeah? I used to fall off my bicycle all the time!"

The fort exploded underneath them.

"My tank!" exasperated Steeler.

"My jeep!" whined Clutch.

"My motorcycle," lamented Rock 'N Roll.

"Don't sweat it, guys!" said Stalker. "General Austin'll be glad to buy you all a new set of wheels when we show up with Dr. Burkhart.

"I'd like to thank you all again," said Dr. Burkhart. "I still feel that all of my political actions were justified, but at least I now know that somewhere in the pentagon there are people who care!"

* * *

><p>At 0030 hours on the island airfield, a single intact aircraft took off.<p>

"You'll have to take the stick for this whole trip, Baroness," said Cobra Commander "My hand is completely useless."

"Shall I plot a course for our true headquarters, commander?" asked the Baroness.

"Yes! This endeavor has ended in failure. We must rest… for now!"

* * *

><p><em>*I don't know how she got in that panel, as its implied she's still a prisoner of the Joes at this junction.<em>

_I hope you all enjoyed this story! This is just a basic novelization of the first G.I. Joe comic. It was published by Marvel in June of 1982. It was scripted by Larry Hama, penciled by Herb Trimpe, inked by Bob McLeod, lettered by Jim Novak, colored by Glynis Wein, and edited by Tom DeFalco. The editor-in-chief was Jim Shooter. I highly recommend you purchase a collection with the comic in it, it's impossible to transfer the full experience of a comic into a written medium._


	4. Hot Potato!

_This is the backer to issue 1. Sorry for those of you looking forward to the next issue, I want to make sure to include these little excerpts as well!_

* * *

><p>Somewhere in the Middle East was a busy market town on the border of the desert. In a restaurant, three foreigners spoke with each other, huddled away in a table in the corner.<p>

"I don't like it!" said Clutch. "Scarlett, Rock 'N Roll and Snake Eyes are two hours overdue! That mad Colonel Sharif has been known to behead jaywalkers, so why don't we just bop across the border and-"

"Negative, Clutch!" said Hawk. "We're sitting on the only escape route out of Sharif's emirate! Our job is to secure it until Scarlett and the others can safely pass through with the tape! If you'd read your orders before you swallowed them, you'd know that the lives of our team members are secondary to the security of that tape!"

"Hawk," said Stalker "That's Pentagon double-talk for 'If someone gets wounded, leave 'em behind!' I just don't feel right about sending Snake Eyes in with a team under those orders! He's too likely to take them seriously."

"I wouldn't be too hard on him, Stalker. Cobra Command is bankrolling Colonel Sharif, and his fanatical 'guardians of paradise' are an extremely unstable element in these parts! That tape our team is bringing back contains hard information that could defuse the situation. Scarlett is the senior member of the team! The responsibility for the tape is all on her shoulders! That tape is like a hot potato!"

* * *

><p>In the desert, Snake Eyes, Rock 'N Roll, and Scarlett took cover behind a few rocks that jutted out. A jeep burned a few yards away from them. Dead bodies were strewn all over, clutching in their cold hands weapons and radio equipment.<p>

"Do not despair, brother guardians of paradise!" scratched out the damaged radio, "Even now, Colonel Sharif himself is leading the reinforcement detachment that will help you smite the running dogs of the infidel warmongers!"

"Snake Eyes! Rock 'N Roll!" Scarlett got the attention of her teammates. "I'm the lame duck."

Scarlett's right leg had a bullet in it. The wound was stable, but she couldn't walk.

"What're you talkin' about, Scarlett?" asked Rock 'N Roll. They had held out against Sharif's forces in this spot so far.

"You heard the radio! The bad guys are going to be here any minute. The border is ten miles across the desert! One person, travelling light and jogging all the way, could make it to the rendezvous with the tape, if someone were to stay behind and hold off the guardians!"

"I'm not leavin' you, Scarlett! Those guardians are hard-core fanatics! I'll carry you if necessary! I can leave my ammo and machinegun."

"That's right! You're leaving the machinegun, but you're not carrying anything but the tape!" Snake Eyes levelled his weapon at Rock 'N Roll on Scarlett's cue. "You'll notice that Snake Eyes has the safety off on his persuader!"

"W-what the?"

"He's following his orders, Rock 'N Roll! Which is more than I can say for you! Now drop off your gear!" Rock 'N Roll complied. Scarlett tossed the tape to him. "Here! It's your job to get this tape to Hawk and the others." Scarlett then turned her weapon on Snake Eyes. "And Snake Eyes is going to be right behind you. To make sure you don't turn back!"

* * *

><p>Snake Eyes and Rock 'N Roll jogged for about five miles before Rock 'N Roll began to speak at Snake Eyes.<p>

"I reckon we're about halfway to the border by now, Snake Eyes. I hope you know that after I hand this tape over to Hawk, I'm gonna put a powerful hurtin' on you! Man, carrying this tape is like owning one of those legendary diamonds, the ones with curses on 'em. Funny! I used to think you had some feelings for Scarlett! I must've been wrong! Listen! You could take the tape an' let me go back for her! Please, Snake Eyes! I never asked anything from you before! Let me-"

Rock 'N Roll glanced behind himself, and then turned around completely. Snake Eyes was nowhere to be seen.

"Snake Eyes?"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the guardians of paradise had arrived at Scarlett's position. She was mowing them down with her M16.<p>

"C'mon, you creeps," she shouted. Unbeknownst to her, two of the guardians were sneaking up behind her, ready to lob a grenade. "If you want to be the guardians of paradise, I'll send you to paradise! I'll-"

She heard a machine gun go off behind her. She turned, and saw the explosion of a grenade go off not too far from her location. Snake Eyes ran out of the explosion, towards her.

"Snake Eyes!" she blinked, trying to swallow her tears. "You crazy old fool! Get over here and give me some cover fire! I think I've got some sand in my eye!"

* * *

><p>Back at the border town, the other Joes got antsy.<p>

"Hawk?" asked Stalker, "Don't you think we've waited long enough? Something must have gone wrong!"

"All the more reason for staying put!" replied Hawk "If Scarlett's team is in trouble, they may be depending us to be here when-"

Suddenly, the window crashed as an object flew through it.

"Flatten!" shouted Hawk. "It's a grenade!"

After a moment, when no explosion went off, Stalker peeked at the object. It was a tape tied to a rock. "This is no grenade."

"It's the tape!" said Clutch.

They heard the sound of an engine starting.

"What's that?" asked Stalker.

"Sounds like someone's starting the motorcycle!" said Hawk. They rushed outside. Clutch pointed his weapon as the driver sped off into the desert. Luckily, Hawk identified him. "Don't shoot! That's Rock 'N Roll!"

"Rock 'N Roll?" exclaimed Clutch, lowering his weapon. "He's headin' back into the desert!"

"He wouldn't go back unless Scarlett and Snake Eyes were still alive!" said Stalker. "We gotta go back an' help 'em!"

"No!" said Hawk. "They put everything on the line to get that tape this far! We can't fumble the pass!"

"I guess we've got the hot potato now," said Clutch.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile in the desert, Colonel Sharif rallied his men against the two Joes.<p>

"Heed me, guardians of paradise!" he said. "Are we not the lions of the desert, and the sworn protectors of the emirate?"

"Sharif! Sharif! Sharif!" replied his men.

"We must overwhelm these infidels with the power of our spirit! A special place is promised in paradise for all who fall in the cause! Even now, an attack plane is speeding to our aid from the nearest airfield! But we dare not wait, my brothers! Infidel reinforcements may arrive at any moment! We must storm their position and we must win. Because we are strong and united, and they are weak and cowardly."

* * *

><p>Rock 'N Roll pushed the motorcycle's engines to the maximum. He had ten miles to cover and no time at all.<p>

* * *

><p>Scarlett shared a few words with Snake Eyes as they waited for the inevitable final wave of enemies to come at them.<p>

"Snake Eyes, I have to admit that I didn't expect you to come back for me! I appreciate the gesture, but it's a stupid waste! We've got two clips left and that's it! You've still got time to make a run for the border!"

However, at that moment, Sharif began the attack. "Charge!"

"Sharif!" replied his men.

Scarlett and Snake Eyes repelled this wave just barely, but ran out of ammunition.

"Swell!" she said. She was beginning to sweat from the desert heat, and her hair was in disarray. "Both of our guns are dry now! They'll overrun us with the next wave! I've been saving two shots in my back-up piece! I don't know about you, but I don't want to be captured."

Scarlett pulled out a pistol, then paused. "Hey! What's that coming over the hill? I-It's Rock 'N Roll!"

"Eat hot lead, turkeys!" shouted Rock 'N Roll. Like a modern cavalry, Rock 'N Roll, mounted on a motorcycle, let loose his machine gun and mowed down the next wave of enemies.

"Rock 'N Roll! You were supposed to deliver the tape!"

"I did! Hop on! This is no time for small talk!"

Scarlett and Snake Eyes mounted the motorcycle, and the trio made a beeline for the border.

"Hawk is holding the hot potato now!"

But Colonel Sharif had other plans. He called it in on his radio, "Air-Strike, the infidels are escaping on a motorcycle!"

A plane zoomed towards the battlefield. The pilot replied on the radio, "I see them, my Colonel! I shall begin my strafing run."

"Now!" shouted Hawk. Clutch shot the plane down with their jeep's artillery. They had reached the motorcycles.

"Hawk!" shouted Rock 'N Roll. "You saved us! You blasted that buzzard off our backs! You're the last guy I would've expected to come back for us! Where's the hot potato?"

"The tape? Stalker's got it! If he made it to the airport in time, he's halfway to Gibraltar by now!"

* * *

><p>The flight attendant looked at the next guest on her attendance to get the dinner order for, and raised her eyebrows. She approached the passenger, "Dinner time, Mr… uh… Stalker? What would you like with your steak?"<p>

"A potato! Make it hot- real hot!"

* * *

><p><em>The issue concluded with some file card information. <em>

_Scarlett can be seen aiming a crossbow at an apple perched on Clutch's head. "If I miss with this, I know I can get it with the machine-pistol!"_

_Breaker is chewing on his signature bubble gum and drinking orange soda, while listening to music on his headphones. He is sitting behind a rock, with lots of planes and missiles going off in the background. His equipment is hooked up to a larger radio on the ground. He's thinking 'Let's hear it for communications!' Someone off screen is shouting "Breaker! BREAKER!"_

_Flash is peeling potatoes in a room full of potatoes. "Some things in this man's army never change!"_

_Stalker is flying a jetpack above some USAF planes. "This may look easy, but I don't want any of you kids trying it!" Yeah, like that totally doesn't make kids want a jetpack._


	5. Panic at the North Pole

_From issue 2 of GI Joe: A Real American Hero. The original was scripted by Larry Hama, penciled by Don Perlin, inked by Jack Abel, lettered by Jim Novak, colored by Bob Sharen, and edited by Tom Defalco._

* * *

><p><em>An American research station annihilated! A Russian base destroyed! The G.I. Joe Team must probe the Panic at the North Pole!<em>

* * *

><p>At a research station on the north polar ice cap, much was abuzz. The station itself, a metal bunker, was riddled with bullet holes and regular large holes. The American flag stood on a pole beside it. Two American soldiers stood guard outside its doorway, as the door had been torn off its hinges. A helicopter stood at the ready nearby. Five soldiers meddled with a large mobile radio.<p>

One of them spoke into his microphone, "It looks bad, General Flagg! One of our research stations has been wiped out in a commando-style raid! All personnel dead! All records missing! We had lost contact with this station a week ago, and severe weather conditions prevented any sort of relief mission. Now this! It doesn't make sense! The nearest settlement is a hundred miles away across the ice, the Russian research station! But why would they commit such an overt and stupid act? I could load up my air-mobile boys and buzz 'Ivan's' base for a look-see."

"Negative, Colonel!" said General Flagg. He was receiving the Colonel's transmission at the Pentagon. "There's been no word from Moscow! Let's not risk making a sticky situation any stickier! Seal the station and clamp a security lid on your personnel until further notice!"

"Will do, sir! Over and out!"

General Flagg turned to his colleague, General Austin. General Flagg said, "General Austin, could it be that the Moscow brass doesn't know what's happened? Men have been known to go bonkers in the arctic from the isolation!"

"Flagg," said General Austin, "If Moscow really is in the dark, then maybe we can salvage something from the situation."

"Perhaps our team stumbled on something so secret that the Russian station personnel were afraid to inform their superiors of the breach in security!"

"We'd better cover ourselves and check it out! Send in the G.I. Joe team."

"Indeed. I have already taken the liberty of pulling the dossiers on the four team members best qualified for this mission!" General Flagg handed the papers to General Austin.

"I suspected as much." General Austin licked his fingers and thumbed through the files. "It's a shame. They're all on leave after their last assignment."

* * *

><p>Somewhere in Wisconsin, Stalker hid in the bushes, carefully concealed. <em>What a set-up! This is perfect! Perfect!<em>

He looked at a deer through a scope. _C'mon baby! Don't bolt on me now!_ He focused the sights. _Hold still for one more second and-_

The deer bolted off at the sudden sound of helicopter blades.

"Dag!" Shouted Stalker. "He's been scared off!"

The helicopter lowered to near Stalker, and released a ladder towards him off the side. From the helicopter's speakers boomed, "E-5, Lonzo Wilkinson. Code-name 'Stalker?' General Flagg has canceled your leave."

"Yeah? I'm about to cancel your face! I've been trackin' that stag for six hours." Stalker gripped the ladder with one hand, shaking his camera angrily at the helicopter with his other hand, "And you jokers have just blown my perfect shot!"

* * *

><p>A man chewed on gum in the computer lab at M.I.T. He fiddled around with a computer. A few teacher's aides talked just around the corner from him in hushed whispers, keeping their eyes on the man.<p>

"Who's the cute guy running the crystalline fracture program?" asked the blonde one.

"They call him 'Breaker,'" replied the auburn one, "Works for the government. Comes in every other month or so and plays with the computers."

"I'd like to meet him, but I don't want to come off as too forward! He seems a little shy!"

"It's almost coffee break time! Why don't we both invite him down to the commissary for a snack? I could manage to get lost."

"Good idea! Let's-" the blonde one looked over at Breaker, "Wha-?! He's gone!"

A message briefly flashed on the user-less computer, before dissolving. "Leave cancelled; report to pit… Flagg."

* * *

><p>At the San Diego Civic Arena, two women were in a skilled and fierce hand to hand battle as the Martial Arts Freestyle Tournament raged on. A man in uniform approached the stage, unplussed.<p>

"Half point for O'Hara!" declared the referee. "Thirty seconds remaining in this match."

The man in uniform addressed O'Hara, who had her opponent in a headlock and her hair drawn back in a red ponytail, "Are you E-5 Shanna O'Hara, code-name 'Scarlett?'"

"Who's askin'?" Scarlett replied as her opponent continued to struggle.

"I'm under orders from General Flagg to escort you back to your duty station. Your leave has been cancelled."

"Flagg?" Scarlett dropped her opponent to the ground with a loud thud. "Why didn't you say so?" Scarlett left the ring, heading towards the exit, "Couldn't you have waited until I made the point?"

"No, ma'am."

Scarlett's opponent leaped up, screaming in rage, and charged at Scarlett.

"Er…" said Scarlett, "I don't think my opponent is ready to concede! Please excuse me while I attend to business!"

Scarlett leaped into the air, and kicked her opponent in the face with a shout.

* * *

><p>At the Columbia University Basement, the man in uniform barged into the Isolation Tank Lab.<p>

"Hey! You can't just barge in here!" shouted the lab's resident scientist, "This is intolerable! You have no jurisdiction!"

"Don't cross me, mister! I've had a rough day." The man in uniform walked over to the large tank in the room. Air was fed into the tank via a complex series of pipes. He rapped his baton on the door, "Okay, -Classified 'Snake Eyes!' Your leave is cancelled so you can pull your wet little bod out of there and-"

The door opened, and the man in uniform's voice faltered as he gazed upon the tank's inhabitant. "My god! Th-that face…"

"He'll be far more presentable if you give him time to put his mask back on," said the scientist as Snake Eyes quickly pulled his mask over his head. "We've grown accustomed to his appearance! He spends up to eight hours at a time in that total sensory deprivation unit!"

"Well… um…. Better get dressed, soldier. You've got a plane to catch."

* * *

><p>Later, over the arctic, the four Joes, General Flagg, and a pilot flew in a large plane.<p>

General Flagg briefed the Joes, "So we still don't know what happened at our research station! We're hoping that you can find out! I must stress the point that this is a reconnaissance mission. Your primary objective is observation. You are not to initiate any contact with the opposition. If fired upon you are to withdraw in an orderly manner, and contact the command center for further instructions. Breaker has been issued a new communications rig which has the capability of sending and receiving teleprints. Relay visual intelligence as you gather it! We will forward any new data as you need it! Your secondary mission is the retrieval of the missing records from our research station. I don't care how you get them, as long as you don't compromise the primary mission. In other words… Don't get caught!"

The pilot spoke up, "We're dropping you within marching distance of the Russian station! Get ready to hit the silk, and good luck!"

The four Joes parachuted onto the ground, and then regrouped.

"Good luck, he says," said Breaker, "We're gonna need it."

Stalker signaled the Joes into a file, "Listen up, Breaker! This is gonna be a piece of cake! We're packin' the latest in high-tech hardware!"

"Stalker, there's one piece of equipment General Flagg neglected to give us."

"What's that?"

"His bag of dirty tricks."

Later, the Joes set up their hooch on a hill overlooking the Russians' research lab.

"We'll set up our blind," whispered Stalker, "And dig in under cover of this powder flurry. The Russian station is right below us!"

"We might be in for a long wait!" said Scarlett, "Those Russian quonset huts are buttoned up tighter than a clam with lockjaw."

"They're probably sittin' with their feet on a hot stove," said Breaker, "Sippin' tea and munchin' caviar!"

Six hours later, Stalker saw movement, "Heads up! Someone's comin' across the ice!"

"Impossible!" said Breaker, "Aside from the American station, the nearest settlement is a thousand miles away!"

"It's an eskimo with a dog sled!"

"A hunter who got lost?!" asked Scarlett as the eskimo came into view. He had on a thick red coat. He had a necklace with four menacing skulls on it, and draped a large weapon over his back. Thick green goggles covered his eyes.

"No eskimo gets lost a thousand miles worth!" said Breaker.

"Besides," said Stalker, "What do you hunt with a 30 caliber belt-fed machine gun?"

"He's strolling in like he owns the place," said Breaker, able to see him clearly without the binoculars. "Out already? Couldn't have been in there more'n a minute! Now he's takin' off towards the coast…"

"Where'd he come from," asked Scarlett, "And where's he going?"

"That's not the fifty thousand dollar question, Scarlett," said Stalker, "What I want to know is why did he leave the door open?"

Sure enough, the door to the research station drifted lazily in the breeze, clunking around.

"You're right, Stalker!" said Scarlett, "You don't leave doors open up here."

"Unless nobody's home!"

The Joes rushed down the hill. Breaker said, "If nobody's home, we can't 'initiate contact with the opposition.' Right?"

"Right! Besides, it's got to be warmer in there than out here! We do it by the numbers! Snake Eyes and Breaker go in high! Scarlett and I will go in low! Ready?"

"Yo!" said Scarlett.

"Now!"

They rushed in the door. "Good lord!" shouted Scarlett.

"Ain't this a kick in the head?"

The Russians were in there, but they weren't moving.

"The Russian scientists are all dead!" pointed out Stalker, "Frozen stiff! By the looks of it, they've been this way for at least a week!"

"Poor devils!" said Scarlett, "Their heating unit must have conked out!"

"Hey!" exclaimed Breaker, approaching the laboratory equipment, "This setup here is for long range ultra-low frequency beam transmission! That's a biologic frequency that can affect human brain waves! But a key part is missing! The frequency modulator!"

"The eskimo!" shouted Stalker.

"Look!" said Scarlett, approaching the safe. "This safe's been rifled! I'll bet that eskimo's got the American records as well as the Rus-"

Suddenly, Snake Eyes let loose a burst from his M16 into the air. He examined the underside of a table.

"Snake Eyes!" shouted Scarlett. "What is it? What's wrong?"

Snake Eyes kicked the table over so its bottom was showing. A bundle of TNT was stuck to the table's underside.

"Uh-oh!" said Stalker, "Nanook left us a TNT surprise!"

The Joes booked it out of the station.

"I'll bet he's no run-of-the-mill eskimo!" said Breaker.

The facility exploded completely. Bits of scrap metal flew over the heads of the Joes as they flattened themselves to the ground.

"Brilliant deduction, Breaker!" said Scarlett.

"Thanks!"

They went back to examine the burning wreckage of the station.

"That eskimo's good!" said Stalker. "Too good! He's gotta be workin' for the Russians!" He signaled his team back to the hooch. "They probably brought him in by plane! But if they're really gonna play it safe, they'll be picking him up by submarine! That's why he's making for the coast."

Stalker took the film out of the camera at their hooch, and tossed it to Breaker. "Here's the film I shot from the blind! Radio-teleprint it back to General Flagg, and let's see if he can get us a 'make' on our blubber-chewing friend."

"A reply might take a while, Stalker," said Breaker. He took off his rig and fed the film into the slot on the back.

"We're not waiting! We're breaking camp, and going after him!" Stalker, Snake Eyes, and Scarlett quickly tore down the hooch.

"What?!" exclaimed Scarlett, "We'll never catch up with him! He's got a dog sled, and we're walking!"

"We're not walking," said Stalker, pulling down his sunglasses, "We're running!" The four Joes broke into a run. "He's got no need to hurry! He doesn't know that anybody is following him!"

* * *

><p>Many cold miles later, Breaker's rig started whirring.<p>

"Hold it, Breaker!" said Scarlett, "Your teleprinter is clacking away! General Flagg must have dug up a dossier on our eskimo!"

The dossier read as follows:

_Name: Kwinn (probably an alias, real name unknown)_

_DOB: Unknown_

_POB: Unknown_

_Height: 6'10"_

_Weight: 260 lbs_

_Occupation: Freelance Special Ops Enforcer. Has worked for the CIA, MOSSAD, KGB, MI-6, and other security agencies._

_Special Skills: Expert tracker, hunter, woodsman; Speaks English, Russian, French, Finnish, German, and three Inuit dialects; Expert with rifle, pistol, long bow, harpoon and plastic explosives._

_Personality Profile: Subject never lies, always fulfills contractual obligations to the letter, and will not divulge any information about former employers or operations for any reason._

"Phew!" said Scarlett, "This guy has all the earmarks of the most dreaded of all antagonists, 'The Highly Motivated Individual!'" Scarlett handed the paper to Stalker.

"It's almost dark," he said, after reading it. "Or as dark as it can get up here at this time of year! Kwinn will have to camp soon! If we double time it all the way, we might catch up to him before he starts up again!"

Five hours later, they overtook a ridgeline, and dropped low. They could see a large plane, sitting on its belly on the ice, its right wing shattered. A bundled figure huddled over a fire.

"There's Kwinn," said Breaker, "Toasting his toes by a nice, warm fire."

"That must be the plane that brought him in!" said Stalker. " 'pears to have cracked up on landing…"

"Where's the pilot and navigator?" asked Scarlett, "Kwinn's file didn't mention flight training!"

"They're either dead or waiting ahead at the submarine pick-up point!" said Stalker, "Heck, let's take him!"

They crept towards the figure, who sat unmoving. Snake Eyes stuck the business end of his M16 into the back of its neck.

"Out man has you covered, Kwinn!" said Stalker, "Don't make any sudden-"

The hood fell off the figure, revealing a pile of C-4, plastic explosives.

"Whu-?"

The door to the plane was kicked out with a _KRACK._ Out stepped Kwinn, "Very good! You arrived sooner than I expected. This is a fail-safe remote detonator! If I release my grip on it, there will be a fifty foot crater where we now stand. I advise you to drop your weapons! They are of no further use to you!"

The Joes complied.

"It's ironic that your fear makes you comply!" said Kwinn, likely referring to dramatic irony. "Did you know that the Russians were using their research station to beam low frequency fear waves at the U.S. in an experiment to induce mass paranoia?!" Kwinn tossed the Joes' weapons onto the sled. "Put your packs on the sled!" The Joes complied. "The shielding on their transmitter leaked, and the Russian crew became quite paranoid.

"Is this your radio?" Kwinn spotted their glorified fax machine, and kicked it in with a _CRUNCH._ Breaker popped his bubble gum. "They thought the Americans were spying on them, so they killed them! When their heater broke down, they were too far gone to fix it! I was hired to retrieve the American records and the Russian frequency modulator. And to destroy the evidence! The crew of this plane is waiting for me at a base camp by the sea, where a sub will pick us up at precisely noon tomorrow.

"The Russians are quite punctual. Never early, never late, always right on the button!"

"Why are you telling us all this?" asked Scarlett. "According to your dossier, you've never divulged one iota of information to a single living person." Snake Eyes signed agitatedly at Scarlett, "Snake Eyes, what are you trying to… Oh!"

"The shadow man has the eyes of a shaman!" said Kwinn. "He sees the spirits of snow and ice gazing at his soul like a hungry bear! I tell you my secrets because you are dead men! You have no supplies, no radio! Farewell!" Kwinn took off into the distance on his dogsled, waving the Joes goodbye.

"He's right!" said Breaker with a mouthful of gum, "We've had it!"

"If we start back right now, we might stand a chance of getting back to the American research station!" said Scarlett.

"No!" exclaimed Stalker. "We go after him! This is what we have to do…"

* * *

><p>Minutes later, they had fully scavenged through the plane.<p>

"You were right, Stalker!" said Breaker, wedging it out of the plane's navigation cluster. "This plane's compass is still functional!"

"And the navigator's table is loaded with maps of this sector!" said Scarlett. Snake Eyes ripped out some boards under the plane. "Snake Eyes has got the landing skis dismantled."

"And I've got the lightweight passenger seats!" said Stalker, tossing the seats out the plane and onto the snow.

"The parachutes are intact!" said Scarlett, pulling the parachutes out the back of the pilots' seats. "We've got all the parts we need to build an ice boat!"

"The winds are strong up here!" said Stalker, "We ought to be able to outrun a dogsled. We'll sail on a course at a slight angle to his, keeping well out of sight! We'll tack over before we reach the sea, intersect his route, and lay our ambush!"

They mounted up and were quickly on their way over the ice. The chilling winds Kwinn claimed would kill them were their saviors now.

"Why are we bringing the explosives?" asked Breaker, eyeing the big pile by Snake Eyes' seat. "Kwinn left them behind because he knew they were worthless without detonator caps."

"Snake Eyes insists on taking them!" said Scarlett. "I can't always figure out what he's got planned, but he's always got a good reason for doin' anything!"

Shortly after, they had gotten a few miles ahead of Kwinn, and prepared their ambush.

"This passage under the ice bridge is Kwinn's most direct route to the coast," said Stalker, "It would be the perfect spot to plant our explosives, if we had something to detonate them!"

"Hey!" said Breaker, "Look what Snakes just pulled out of his boot! Two loaded clips of ammo!"

"I should've known that he'd always have a secret stash. Here! Empty the primers and powder into my canteen cup."

Thirty minutes later, they had disassembled their ice boat and reassembled it into an effective trap. A large chunk of ice hung precariously over the canteen cup, which in turn sat in the C4 at the top of the ice bridge.

"When I pull this length of parachute cord," said Stalker, "That two-hundred pound slab of ice is gonna crush that canteen cup full of primers and powder, setting off a small explosion, that will detonate the plastic explosives and cause the ice bridge to collapse!

"He's comin'!" shouted Breaker, running up the bridge.

They ran to get under cover. As soon as Kwinn was under the bridge, Stalker pulled the cord. The explosion launched a small avalanche of snow and ice that buried Kwinn and his sled.

"We've got to pull his dogs to safety," said Stalker, "And get him before he recovers!"

They ran down the hill. Snake Eyes tried fruitlessly to calm the dogs down.

"Hurry, Snake Eyes!" said Stalker, "We're gonna need those dogs!" Stalker and Breaker dug the sled out from under the snow. "Hey! Kwinn's not here! He's vanished!"

Kwinn was standing above the Joes, machine gun in hand. "Did you really believe Kwinn would fall for such an obvious ruse?" Scarlett snuck up behind him as he continued to speak, "I regret having to shoot anything I can't eat, but-"

Scarlett leaped into the air and kicked Kwinn in the head with a shout, "Hey, fatso! Chew on this!"

"Way to go, Scarlett!" said Breaker.

Kwinn thwacked Scarlett into the ground with the but of his machine gun. "Good try, pretty lady! But Kwinn has fought the polar bear. And won!"

"What's Snake Eyes doing?" asked Stalker. Snake Eyes was ignoring the fight, and instead pulled something out of his boot and dove for the sled. "Look! He was holding out another ammo clip!" Snake Eyes quickly put it into his gun on the sled and pointed it at Kwinn.

"Ahh," said Kwinn, "The shadow man has the speed of the weasel!"

Snake Eyes pulled the trigger. He was met with a disappointing _Click! Click! Click!_

"Luckily," said Kwinn, "I took the precaution of adding the firing pins from your weapons to my weasel skill necklace, as a charm against death by gunfire! Not so lucky for you, eh?

"Soon, the spirits of snow and ice will devour your souls! This is sad, for you are brace fighters! You know, I regret having taken this assignment from the Russians, because they are tampering with fear! And fear is the greatest killer of all! Greater than snow or ice! This frequency modulator is a concentrated nugget of fear, waiting to pollute the world with distrust and loathing! I feel that the only way to neutralize it is to give it to you."

"Then," said Scarlett, "Why don't you?"

"I can't. A contract is a contract to the letter of the word. If only there were some other way…"

* * *

><p>One hour later, at the coast, Kwinn arrived at his two companions' camp.<p>

"It's comrade Kwinn!" said one Russian.

"He's a full two hours early!" said the other Russian.

"I wanted time to count my payment!" said Kwinn. "It's in gold, of course?"

"Of course!" said one Russian. "You have the Amerikaneski records and our low frequency modulator?"

"Of course!" Kwinn handed the goods over to the Russians. "The research station has been destroyed, and the American G.I. Joe team has been neutralized!"

"Excellent!" said the other Russian.

"Then, if you will attest to the fulfillment of my contract, I shall be on my way…"

"You have done well, comrade Kwinn!" said one Russian, "But aren't you going to wait for the sub?"

"No!" Kwinn mounted his dogsled with a stern look. "I want to be far away when the G.I. Joe team arrives here! I abhor senseless violence."

"What?!" said the other Russian. "You must stay here and protect us until the submarine arrives! You have a contract with us!"

"My contract was fulfilled! This job is ended!"

"You have aided the Americans to betray us!" said one Russian.

"No! I have done nothing but hinder them in every possible way! I left them five miles from here with no firing pins in their weapons! However, I stopped one mile from here and left my weasel skull necklace in a cairn, as an offering to the spirits of ice and snow that fear might vanish from the world! Perhaps if you found my cairn before they did, you might dispel my prayer. They are four miles from it to your one, but they are trackers, and you are not!" Kwinn waved the Russians goodbye.

* * *

><p>A few minutes later, the Russians saw the Joes coming over the ridge, seemingly fully armed. One in the center, masked and clad in black, was draped with a weasel skull necklace.<p> 


End file.
